Hard Core (Values): On Apologies

(Post and photo by August Schulenburg)

Yesterday was not the finest day in my role as a Creative Partner and Artistic Director of Flux. I made three mistakes – in scheduling enough time for auditions (more on that anon), in choosing how many pages playwrights could bring to Flux Sunday (I let them bring too many) and in handling the space for our DEINDE trailer shoot (teaser photo above). While none of these mistakes were catastrophes, all of them resulted in putting negative pressure on that most precious of everyone’s resources, time. In one particular instance, an artist and person whose good opinion I value clearly lost some faith in Flux, and that sticks a sinking feeling in my chest.

Our Core Values are Joy, Compassion, Collaboration, Creativity and Excellence, and while they sure have a nice ring, they’re hard as hell to live up to each and every day. When I fail them – and I do so more often than I’d like – all I can do is apologize and figure out a better way to do it next time. Sometimes that works: we’ve had some pretty serious tiffs with good people along the way, but they’re still with us today because we apologized and found a better way to move forward. Other times, an apology isn’t enough, and I know there are people out there who don’t speak of Flux kindly, deservedly so or not.

Having this kind of day on the heels of #daiseygate made me think of how often we under and overestimate our power as theatre artists. Flux is such a small company, and some of the mistakes I’ve made have been assuming people weren’t paying close attention or didn’t care deeply because we are so small. Tiny we may be, but we do make a difference, and when we fall short of what people have come to expect, the pain and disappointment are real.

We also overestimate our power – or at least I do – thinking that because our intentions are good, surely whatever means get messy are forgivable in the light of a worthy end. But theatre is all process, not product; it is always means until it ends. The way you make it is just as important as what you make.

The key lies in structure: one of the benefits of an Ensemble is that we are there to call each other out and pick each other up when we fail our values.  The Ensemble structure also allows for checks and balances that prevent these kinds of mistakes from happening in the first place, even if that process of dialogue can be time-consuming and frustrating.

In spite of that, I failed yesterday. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.